Tell no one….

I watched all the twilight movies last night, the stereotypes are a little cringe worthy now but the endless Bella / Edward sexual tension was enough for a release of my own. I guess the undead still do it for me. Not so much the clumsy protagonist, the doofus damsel motif drags a little. Without it, we might not get to see as many shirtless lads ridiculously battling each other with fangs and paws and speedy drivey scenes so for that, I thank you Bella Swan for being useless.

I grew up infatuated with vampires, who wouldn’t? They are portrayed as rich, eternally young and outrageously good looking. Then there’s the quest, the endless search for their mortal soulmate. That’s definitely the bit that fucked me up in adolescence. I’m not sure what’s worse, the Disney princess motif that females need to be rescued or the vampiric ethos of the one. The vamp doesn’t exactly just meet their love in a bar either.

Guys might have grown up with an over saturation of porn but my formative ideas on a relationship were based on dating a sexy centurion that I meet in the woods under a full moon. We can never go to the beach together and forget about date night at the local Italian joint unless that bolognese sauce is more blood than tomatoes.

So excuse me if I didn’t have a clear idea of life, as I breached the age where I would be flung into this world. I genuinely didn’t know what to make of the strange, cumbersome careers that are presented to you in school as ‘goals’. The characters in all the media I consumed which were inherently my “friends” were too busy to be clerks and teachers. They were battling the night world so regular folk could go about their days, uneaten by vamps. Part of me, albeit a little too large, expected to be called upon as a vampire slayer or that I’d discover that I was a shapeshifter or beholder of tremendous powers.

In one season Buffy has to take a job at Doublemeat Palace because slaying doesn’t pay and she has bills. This episode shredded the fabric of my reality and reoriented my eye of Mordor to the default world of the sims. But if I had cool friends, as all these characters naturally did then I too could probably stick it out flipping patties waiting for my initiation into the supernatural. So what did I do for 15 years? I worked in hospitality looking for undead love and being bemused at customers attitudes around full moons.

I don’t think this fractled existence is based on dollars and I’m ok if it doesn’t make sense.